I spent 5 years with an abusive husband, living with his abusive parents. His brother just a few weeks ago was arrested for doing something horrible to a very sweet, beautiful girl who did nothing to deserve being hurt by him. Just hearing about the story brought back memories of when I was married to his brother. There are certain things that I do not tell anyone, other things I have no problem sharing. Some things are meant to stay a secret. Some things I have chosen not to remember, but just because I have set backs and bad days doesn't mean that I am not dealing with my pain. I do not run from them, or go in search for a reason or answer as to why this happened to me. When it comes down to it, I believe that it happen for sole purpose of making me a stronger women. I try my hardest not to dwell on the fact that I abused for everyday for 5 years of my life that I will never get back. Instead I tend to dwell on the fact that I have been blessed everyday I have been alive. I was carried through my marriage by being saved. I have a relationship with Christ. He is the only reason I was able to have the courage to leave with my children. I left with my life, while many other abused women do not. I am blessed that I wake up everyday with air in my lungs, I am able to walk, to talk, to see, and to hear,. I have three beautiful children who call me mommy, and tell me that I am there hero because of the little things I do for them.
Some days are better than others but everyday is a true blessing. Everyday is a step forward, even when I have my bad days they are not set backs but stepping stones towards something better. They remind me there is a big bad world out there and to act accordingly. I am always reminded not to become bitter towards people, to still have a soft, kind hearted approach to life although sometimes I want to go take care of every member of the "slap a ho tribe" myself. I serve a risen Savior who will take care of that for me, but I will admit when I see things like with what happen to my ex husbands brother, I have this feelings of "hahahahaha see you really are that monster, and now everyone knows it". They tried so hard to keep there problems and there women beating a secret, and now is it not only in the wide open for everyone to see, but this monster will most liking pay with his life because of his actions. Knowing that they are in pain and depression has some justice for me and everyone else who has been hurt by them.
I know it sounds like I am rejoicing in their pain, I am not. I am praying for them as I have been for years. This had to happen to them for them to see that their bad actions have punishments, and see that your secrets will always find you and bite you in the butt in the hardest way. As far as for me, I will continue to live my life in the best I know how and to keep moving forward not as a victim but as a survivor.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Ever just feel like writing
Yes writing a blog feels a little like I am writing in my dairy however this gets posted to a site with millions, and millions of people. The internet is kinda like what I thought of space when I was little, it just goes on forever there is no end in sight. I wonder what would it be like if everything just failed, and we were back to using oil lamps, and smoke signals. Life would be slow, quiet, and simple. Talk about getting back to what matters, being with your family and making it fun with just you guys!
Everyone always talks about "going green" or extending your life span, when are these retards going to figure out, it's life, it ends, that's a fact, end of story; so shouldn't we be having fun, and enjoying each other's company for the short time we are actually alive? My second grader came home from school with this to say "the kids in my class asked 'why does your mom always give you fruit snacks (the gummy ones) food to eat? your going to get fat by eating that'." Um yeah excuse me your in second grade kid, why do you care??? O that's right you have parents who are lazy and don't watch you, so you go home and play 5 hours of video games while eating the family sized bag of potato chips. That could be the problem, yeah? How is a snack of 6 gummy bears, and a fruit by the foot going to make my kid fat, when my kids are active all day . . . . . and most the night, aw hell 24/7??
Guess what people, and I'm going to probably piss off some people here, but shhhhh I'm going to tell you a secret, come here. . . . . . . . . . . I ACTUALLY TELL MY KIDS NO. O yeah I just went there, what the heck is wrong with parents today. When did "no" because a dreaded cuss word???? Seriously, I'm not my kid's friend, I'm the parent, I'm the boss, and I'm the one in charge. O here's another one that might just get me in trouble, my kids get punishments when they mis-behave. How else are they going to learn, o and there is a deference between abuse and a spanking, but if I say anymore on the internet I'll have CPS on my butt, so I'll leave that one alone.
One more thing, it's a little scary that when you disagree with someone's point of view online or anywhere else you have this fear that one day you are going to come home and find out that someone tagged "enter your favorite cuss word" on your garage door. It's a shame, yes you have a right to freedom of speech just as long as you stick to the cue card sir, but don't even think about saying something else or we'll sue you for defamation of character. Doesn't really seem right huh, at least I don't think so.
And for that someone, who royally pissed me off, you know who you are, and if any of you have talked to me in the last the week or so you know who this message is for. Here's your message a hole: you will get out of life whatever you put into it. so I hope you enjoy your life behind bars because it's what you get, and for your brother, I heard that if you put a gun to your head with only one bullet, it cures headaches.
Everyone always talks about "going green" or extending your life span, when are these retards going to figure out, it's life, it ends, that's a fact, end of story; so shouldn't we be having fun, and enjoying each other's company for the short time we are actually alive? My second grader came home from school with this to say "the kids in my class asked 'why does your mom always give you fruit snacks (the gummy ones) food to eat? your going to get fat by eating that'." Um yeah excuse me your in second grade kid, why do you care??? O that's right you have parents who are lazy and don't watch you, so you go home and play 5 hours of video games while eating the family sized bag of potato chips. That could be the problem, yeah? How is a snack of 6 gummy bears, and a fruit by the foot going to make my kid fat, when my kids are active all day . . . . . and most the night, aw hell 24/7??
Guess what people, and I'm going to probably piss off some people here, but shhhhh I'm going to tell you a secret, come here. . . . . . . . . . . I ACTUALLY TELL MY KIDS NO. O yeah I just went there, what the heck is wrong with parents today. When did "no" because a dreaded cuss word???? Seriously, I'm not my kid's friend, I'm the parent, I'm the boss, and I'm the one in charge. O here's another one that might just get me in trouble, my kids get punishments when they mis-behave. How else are they going to learn, o and there is a deference between abuse and a spanking, but if I say anymore on the internet I'll have CPS on my butt, so I'll leave that one alone.
One more thing, it's a little scary that when you disagree with someone's point of view online or anywhere else you have this fear that one day you are going to come home and find out that someone tagged "enter your favorite cuss word" on your garage door. It's a shame, yes you have a right to freedom of speech just as long as you stick to the cue card sir, but don't even think about saying something else or we'll sue you for defamation of character. Doesn't really seem right huh, at least I don't think so.
And for that someone, who royally pissed me off, you know who you are, and if any of you have talked to me in the last the week or so you know who this message is for. Here's your message a hole: you will get out of life whatever you put into it. so I hope you enjoy your life behind bars because it's what you get, and for your brother, I heard that if you put a gun to your head with only one bullet, it cures headaches.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Home is where the Heart is
If you were to view your heart as a home, what would be in your rooms? There is a kitchen, library, closet, bedroom with a safe, living room, and a front yard. We all have these same rooms in our hearts, but what is in them?
We'll start with the front yard, it is usually where you display things for the whole world to see. It's where our great works, our accomplishments, and most of our pride goes. It is the beginning of our house, the part that makes that great first impression. I know what's in mine, and spend more than ten minutes talking to me and I am sure that you will know too. Not that I an a prideful person but I have no problem telling people where I came from. My front yard surprisingly has two divorce's in it, and I have gotten through them both with the help of prayer. They were very close to me, in fact one of them was my own. I left him after 5 years and with 3 children in tow, and it was the best thing I could have ever done in my life. Do not feel sorry for me or my children we are better because of it, we were saved from a horrible fate and I have never been more thankful for having the strength to leave. The other major thing is facts about my DNA. Yes I have a different father than my siblings and again I have had the strength to deal with it, not my own strength but God's. Now everything we put in our in front yard is different but always has the same meaning, it's what we hold with pride and we want to share with everyone.
We will stop in the living room next. It is the room for conversations, visiting, and the one with the coffee table. The coffee table always has things to read or just a place to rest your feet and get comfortable. What is on that table in your heart? What is sitting on my coffee table is "domestic abuse: it hurts everyone" now this is something I would not have said to the whole world, but only to someone who was lucky enough to be invited into my living room. Again at this point not a whole lot us would have a problem talking to people and telling them things about our life, however this is only for a special few whom we some what trust and have invited into our home.
Our next stop is the kitchen, now this is the room. It always seems like everyone ends up in the kitchen, It's were we eat, drink and make marry. But this is also where you feed your guests, what do you feed them? Is it something that is so hard to sallow they leave or is it something that goes down easy that they don't take you seriously and leave for another house? My personal favorite is serving my guest's something that they want to taste, but somehow it's so bitter that they want to spit it out but they can't. Little do they know that this is the best thing they could have ever tasted and are better because of it. In my kitchen I serve a realism, something that isn't harsh or hurtful as you taste it, yes it does bitters in the middle, but if you can hold it in long enough it will be the sweetest thing you have ever had.
Now the library is a different than the rest, only the special kind of people get invited to this room. It's were you keep your books and computer, it's somewhat hidden. The things in that room are not visible to others as well as the other rooms, it's where you start keeping your secrets. The books and files that you have but keep under different names, they are hidden in plain sight that only certain people and yourself know what then mean. Sometimes they are so horrible that you file them under "everything is just fine" and you use the title of that book or file when things are so bad you want to scream yet you can't.
The bedroom and safe is a room that you and normally one other person get to see. There are things that go on in that room that most of us want no one knowing about. We tend to let one special person in this room, but even they can be shut out if they speak about the things in this room. If that person was to speak about the things in the bedroom we would be heartbroken, which is why we always are when they betray that trust. However when you trust that person with the information in the is room and they don't tell anyone that's how you know they truly love you.
That brings us to the closet, it is the one room nobody but you knows what is it. It holds the things that you would never tell anyone even the person that was allowed in the bedroom. The door is normally dead locked and never to be opened. There are things in there that no one will ever know about, it is the darkest deepest room of our hearts. Every other room has at least a window, and a door with just simple lock, however the closet is the room where our secrets are held. So what are you hiding in your closet? Don't even get me started on mine . . . . . . . though I probably would not ever tell you
We'll start with the front yard, it is usually where you display things for the whole world to see. It's where our great works, our accomplishments, and most of our pride goes. It is the beginning of our house, the part that makes that great first impression. I know what's in mine, and spend more than ten minutes talking to me and I am sure that you will know too. Not that I an a prideful person but I have no problem telling people where I came from. My front yard surprisingly has two divorce's in it, and I have gotten through them both with the help of prayer. They were very close to me, in fact one of them was my own. I left him after 5 years and with 3 children in tow, and it was the best thing I could have ever done in my life. Do not feel sorry for me or my children we are better because of it, we were saved from a horrible fate and I have never been more thankful for having the strength to leave. The other major thing is facts about my DNA. Yes I have a different father than my siblings and again I have had the strength to deal with it, not my own strength but God's. Now everything we put in our in front yard is different but always has the same meaning, it's what we hold with pride and we want to share with everyone.
We will stop in the living room next. It is the room for conversations, visiting, and the one with the coffee table. The coffee table always has things to read or just a place to rest your feet and get comfortable. What is on that table in your heart? What is sitting on my coffee table is "domestic abuse: it hurts everyone" now this is something I would not have said to the whole world, but only to someone who was lucky enough to be invited into my living room. Again at this point not a whole lot us would have a problem talking to people and telling them things about our life, however this is only for a special few whom we some what trust and have invited into our home.
Our next stop is the kitchen, now this is the room. It always seems like everyone ends up in the kitchen, It's were we eat, drink and make marry. But this is also where you feed your guests, what do you feed them? Is it something that is so hard to sallow they leave or is it something that goes down easy that they don't take you seriously and leave for another house? My personal favorite is serving my guest's something that they want to taste, but somehow it's so bitter that they want to spit it out but they can't. Little do they know that this is the best thing they could have ever tasted and are better because of it. In my kitchen I serve a realism, something that isn't harsh or hurtful as you taste it, yes it does bitters in the middle, but if you can hold it in long enough it will be the sweetest thing you have ever had.
Now the library is a different than the rest, only the special kind of people get invited to this room. It's were you keep your books and computer, it's somewhat hidden. The things in that room are not visible to others as well as the other rooms, it's where you start keeping your secrets. The books and files that you have but keep under different names, they are hidden in plain sight that only certain people and yourself know what then mean. Sometimes they are so horrible that you file them under "everything is just fine" and you use the title of that book or file when things are so bad you want to scream yet you can't.
The bedroom and safe is a room that you and normally one other person get to see. There are things that go on in that room that most of us want no one knowing about. We tend to let one special person in this room, but even they can be shut out if they speak about the things in this room. If that person was to speak about the things in the bedroom we would be heartbroken, which is why we always are when they betray that trust. However when you trust that person with the information in the is room and they don't tell anyone that's how you know they truly love you.
That brings us to the closet, it is the one room nobody but you knows what is it. It holds the things that you would never tell anyone even the person that was allowed in the bedroom. The door is normally dead locked and never to be opened. There are things in there that no one will ever know about, it is the darkest deepest room of our hearts. Every other room has at least a window, and a door with just simple lock, however the closet is the room where our secrets are held. So what are you hiding in your closet? Don't even get me started on mine . . . . . . . though I probably would not ever tell you
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Actions
Everyone has the ability to control their own actions. I do not believe that people can just "snap" or go temporarily insane and do something they would never do. Is it a parent's fault when a child flies so far of the deep end that there is no return? Or is he just a victim of his own mind? Is it nature or nurture that affects people?
Take the act of bullying for example, is it wrong . . . yeah. Does it hurt people . . . . yeah but is it really the school/government's responsibility or the responsibility of the parents to curb the action? I believe as a Godly woman and parent that it is my own responsibility to properly train my children how to behave. Teach them how to treat others with respect, to treat others the way you would want to be treated, to have control over there own actions, and allow them to see how their actions affect themselves and those around them. Now I think that I'm doing a pretty good job, but compared to what or whom?
Compared to an "evil", Godless family, I am so far right they probably can not even see me, but to some other families I am failing miserably. Compared to God as a father I am no where close though I try. So how do we measure this idea of a "good or normal" family? It is by the way we talk to each other, by the way we treat each other, how we treat those outside our family, by our values, and by our morals.
Everyone actions have a negative or positive reaction. Some actions have such an impact that they affect people you have never even met. It is safe to say that negative things in life are never pleasant and if we had a choice I can guarantee we would always choose the positive side of things, however through the negative we must make it positive. We must learn from it and understand that we may never know why it happened, understand that sometimes the worse things happen to the weak to make them stronger, and the worse things happen to the proud to humble them. We need to forgive someone for their wrong doings even before they ask and I am beginning to fear that this is lost attribute for people to understand.
We are so quick to judge, point the finger and look at someone else to blame OUR actions on. Actions are your own, they came from you, from your own mind, and your own hand. If we were to learn that we are the only ones responsible for our own actions and to accept the results of those actions with no questions asked, we just might become better people. . . . . . . .
Take the act of bullying for example, is it wrong . . . yeah. Does it hurt people . . . . yeah but is it really the school/government's responsibility or the responsibility of the parents to curb the action? I believe as a Godly woman and parent that it is my own responsibility to properly train my children how to behave. Teach them how to treat others with respect, to treat others the way you would want to be treated, to have control over there own actions, and allow them to see how their actions affect themselves and those around them. Now I think that I'm doing a pretty good job, but compared to what or whom?
Compared to an "evil", Godless family, I am so far right they probably can not even see me, but to some other families I am failing miserably. Compared to God as a father I am no where close though I try. So how do we measure this idea of a "good or normal" family? It is by the way we talk to each other, by the way we treat each other, how we treat those outside our family, by our values, and by our morals.
Everyone actions have a negative or positive reaction. Some actions have such an impact that they affect people you have never even met. It is safe to say that negative things in life are never pleasant and if we had a choice I can guarantee we would always choose the positive side of things, however through the negative we must make it positive. We must learn from it and understand that we may never know why it happened, understand that sometimes the worse things happen to the weak to make them stronger, and the worse things happen to the proud to humble them. We need to forgive someone for their wrong doings even before they ask and I am beginning to fear that this is lost attribute for people to understand.
We are so quick to judge, point the finger and look at someone else to blame OUR actions on. Actions are your own, they came from you, from your own mind, and your own hand. If we were to learn that we are the only ones responsible for our own actions and to accept the results of those actions with no questions asked, we just might become better people. . . . . . . .
Monday, November 8, 2010
so why start a blog?
I was always the quiet one. Never had more than a few words to say to anyone, I often wondered what they were all looking at, why I never made friends quickly, why I felt "different"? That answer came to me the morning of December 27, 2003. That date has been the rebirth of "Rina", the date when all my questions were answered and yet raised thousands more at the same time. . . . . . . . I tell you that to tell you this, I was married at the time to a man who I thought I loved, with a brand new two month old daughter. My parents had been married for a wonderful 22 years, and I was just about to turn 20. I had two younger sisters, and a younger brother, all of whom I love dearly. The days, weeks, and years prior to that fateful December day, made sense, they were routine and normal. Nothing ever changed it seemed like, my life was "perfect".
That day I had went to parents home for reasons I can't even remember, I was greeted by my mother, her eyes were filled with tears. "I have something, to tell you." , she stated it in a way that I knew something horrible was about to be said. "I have to tell you, that your dad is not your biological father." To this day some 7 years later, I still cry. It is forever burned in my memory, forever ringing in my ears. It has forever changed me into the person who is sitting here today. It wasn't until I started studying psychology that I learned, the healing process is still and most liking will be happening for the rest of my life. It is in the back of my head with every step I make, something often struggle with it, and the only thing that gets me through my everyday is prayer. I am a walking example that there is a powerful, caring, loving God. He has a purpose, and a reason as to why this happened to me. He has blessed me with three wonderful children, that have saved my life.
I only recently discovered that I have been in a grieving process. Grieving for "family" that was no longer the family I had known all these years. I also lost something a lot of people take for granted, the stability of knowing who you are, and what you stand for. What God is teaching me through all this is not to take anything for granted, He has shown me that one day everything I know can be gone. It has made my every day sweeter and have more meaning.
Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.
That day I had went to parents home for reasons I can't even remember, I was greeted by my mother, her eyes were filled with tears. "I have something, to tell you." , she stated it in a way that I knew something horrible was about to be said. "I have to tell you, that your dad is not your biological father." To this day some 7 years later, I still cry. It is forever burned in my memory, forever ringing in my ears. It has forever changed me into the person who is sitting here today. It wasn't until I started studying psychology that I learned, the healing process is still and most liking will be happening for the rest of my life. It is in the back of my head with every step I make, something often struggle with it, and the only thing that gets me through my everyday is prayer. I am a walking example that there is a powerful, caring, loving God. He has a purpose, and a reason as to why this happened to me. He has blessed me with three wonderful children, that have saved my life.
I only recently discovered that I have been in a grieving process. Grieving for "family" that was no longer the family I had known all these years. I also lost something a lot of people take for granted, the stability of knowing who you are, and what you stand for. What God is teaching me through all this is not to take anything for granted, He has shown me that one day everything I know can be gone. It has made my every day sweeter and have more meaning.
Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.
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